Kin-Dza-Dza!
Screenplay by Revaz GABRIADZE, Georgi DANELIYA
Directed by Georgi DANELIYA
Camera And Staging: Pavel LEBESHEV
Music: Giya KANCHELI
Starring:
Stanislav LYUBSHIN as Vladimir Nikolaevich "Vovka" Mashkov aka "Uncle Vova"
Evgeni LEONOV as Uef ("Chatlanian")
Yuri YAKOVLEV as Be ("PatZak")
Levan GABRIADZE as Gedevan aka "Fiddler"
- Hi. - Hi.
Anything new?
Pipes sprang a leak at the construction site.
[ A goofy song is heard on TV ]
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice. Winter's coming with the frost and ice.
You don't have a warm and pretty shawl. And no fur coat do I have at all!
- How's our "A-grade" student? - He's out with friends.
Vovka! Go buy some bread. I forgot.
Oh, and fetch some noodles too.
Comrade, that man over there says he's from another planet. We have to do something.
Call 911.
I will, but he's almost barefoot. He'll catch a cold.
- How do you do? - How do you do?
Please, excuse my bad smell.
It's cold here. I found this in a garbage bin.
Well done!
Friend! Please, tell me your planet number in Tenture,
or at least the galaxy number in the Spiral.
I pushed the wrong keys and now I can't return home.
Well, my dear fellow, we don't remember the number...
Look, let's send this guy to the information office,
and we'll wait for him together at the baker's, okay?
- You can put these on. - Uh-huh... Thank you.
Look, friends. There's no need for the baker's
or the information office.
This is my planet: Uzm, 247 in Tenture,
Galaxy Beta in The Spiral.
This is my space-teleportation gadget.
Which keys should I push to get teleported home?
Since time is relative... You do understand that, right?
OK, my friend. I have a proposition. We "push the keys" now...
and get teleported to your place.
But if your little gizmo doesn't work...
you will be transported to where we transport you. A deal?
No, you can't do it without knowledge.
Sure we can.
And you? What do you see? Huh?
- Sand... - So, the frickin' gizmo worked.
And that freak with a grid... Did he stay behind?
Keep calm! Just keep calm.
We have sun, sand... and we have gravity.
- Where are we? We are on Earth, or... - Or...?
No, let's assume we're on Earth, in some desert. Right?
Say, Karakum. Huh?
What other deserts do we have?
- Gobi, Sahara... - I said 'we' have!
We also have... Kyzylkum.
No. Let's assume it's Karakum. Huh?
So, the sun is to the west, Ashgabad-city must be there.
Understood? Let's go.
Come on! Come on!
Comrade, what is your name?
Vladimir Nikolaevich.
- I'm Gedevan. - 'Pleased to meet you.'
You have a bottle in your bag. Is it wine?
No. It's vinegar.
I also have some herbs and spices.
Then... all systems go.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, do you remember the number he mentioned?
- The man I gave my socks to... - No.
Maybe, we're on his planet?
Listen, Fiddler...
We can guess all we want. That won't change a frickin' thing!
We've chosen a direction and we keep walking.
We just need to get to the water. Clear?
Vladimir Nikolaevich, I want to change into slippers.
- Well, do it! - Then stop walking!
- What time is it? - Four.
- At night? - At night.
Are you late for something?
It's embarrassing...
I called from the airport, said I'd be there in an hour, and...
- You study music? - No. The violin isn't mine.
It is Maestro Rogozin's.
He was on a tour in my hometown, and after the concert
they forgot to put the violin in the plane.
- Banquet? - Nope, just a dinner.
- Oh... Are you from Tbilisi? - From Batumi. [Georgia, the Caucasus]
I thought I would return the violin and manage to catch the commuter train.
- I study Textile Manufacturing in Ivanovo. - Uh-huh...
I wanted to study International Relations in Moscow, but there they told me...
Hush!
A man.
- Hello.
A capitalist country...
Do you speak any foreign languages?
English, French... after a fashion.
Tell them we have no money.
Tell them now! It's not a free show.
How do you do?
We are tourists. We've lost our group.
Please, give us a ride to the nearest city, and we'll find our way from there.
Translate.
Hello.
We have no money.
We left money, passports and foreign currency with our guide.
We stepped aside for a moment and got lost in the sands.
Take it. Very warm.
Excuse me.
You want my fur-cap? Here you are.
It's not mine. I can't give it away.
- There's nothing in there. - Open it.
It's not wine, it's vinegar.
Sour, isn't it?
So, that's settled then? Friend, will you give us a ride?
Fiddler, hurry up!
Just to the nearest city. We'll be all right there.
What? My jacket?
Jerks...
I'm glad I didn't give them the violin.
Looks like they're sorry.
"Ketze" what?
I think he wants a match.
You want a match?
Take it.
The whole box?
You get us out of here, and we'll give you the "koo".
Not a single letter, not a single "Made in", heh?
Sorry. I don't understand.
"Sprechen Sie Turkish?"
What do they want?
It's "koo" they want.
Thank you.
He wants me to put on a bell.
It's his problem.
I'll put it on, Vladimir Nikolaevich. It's getting rather awkward.
Whatever.
All right, you win.
I'll just have a smoke.
Easy! Easy there. Easy.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, maybe we are really on...
Yeah, typical Martians.
"Lucy, darling, damn you! You just had to get those noodles!"
Well. You do speak Russian. Why did you keep it back?
We didn't keep it back.
It's hard to penetrate your minds when you 2 think in different languages.
And this Patzak always speaks languages he hardly even knows!
What are you staring at? "Maimuna verishvilla"!
- They speak Georgian, too! - What did he say?
- "Monkey, son of an ass." - That's it!
We are from the Soviet Union. We are here on a cultural exchange.
Our authorities know where we are. They are looking for us.
If you don't let us get in touch with our embassy,
you'll be in serious trouble. Capish?
We don't understand "embassy". Put the 'tzak' back! Quickly!
You understand "noodles", and you understand "maimuna",
yet you don't know "embassy"? You poor things.
Enough! Stop fooling us around! Got it?
About noodles... I simply said what you thought.
It's not Earth, my dear fellow, and it's not Africa.
It's planet Pluke, 215 in Tenture. Galaxy Kin-Dza-Dza in the Spiral. Got it?
Well, hello, here we are.
Put the bell on, my dear. Put it on.
Right... Attaboy!
- Excuse me, where have we landed? - Shh! He's got sharp hearing.
- Do you know the Tenture of your planet? - Tenture?
Well, tell us your galaxy number in the Spiral
- In the spiral? - Yes, yes, in the Spiral.
Well, Earth is there, you know... spinning next to such planets as...
Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter...
- What else, Vladimir Nikolaevich? - The Big Dipper.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, come over here.
- Do you have more matches on your planet? - Available.
How many will you give us if we put you there?
- How many do you need? - Two full boxes like this one.
- Seven! - Seven!
And give me all that you have here. I will trade them for a 'gravitzapa'.
Excuse me, what is "gravitzapa"?
Well, it's a thing without which 'Pepelatz' can only fly like this...
but with a gravitzapa... to any place in the Universe... in 5 seconds.
But how do you guys drive your Pepelatz out of the garage without a gravitzapa?
- That's not right. - We did have a gravitzapa!
But when we landed here, someone snatched it up.
By any chance, do you have a space-teleportation gadget?
No. No.
- Give me the matches. - Give us some water.
Like this! Do like this!
Do like this! Like this!
This is yours. This is what you use for smoking now.
Thank you.
He says they have a gravitzapa.
- Put your matches here. - Well, we'll do like this...
When you put us on Earth, you'll get this, and this.
Hey!
Fiddler, let's go into the 'open space'.
Stop!
Give it back!
- Give it back! - Only on Mother Earth.
Vladimir Nikolaevich!
You said, if we take you to the city, you will give us all of them.
And now you stole a match from us!
A Patzak shall not cheat another Patzak. That's not nice!
I said 'to the city'!
- And what is this? - It's a shed.
And what is this? and this? And this here? How come it's not a city?
Hey. don't get jerky!
Show us your gravitzapa If it's a quality brand, we'll take it.
Patzak!
Only blockheads would take smuggled ketze in front of witnesses,
when it means to be sentenced to 'etsikh' for life, with nails!
Do you have 'ku' for brains or what?
We'll buy it ourselves. Let's go.
Stop! I said 'stop!'
Who are you?
I asked 'who are you?'
- Alien construction foreman. - No, you are a Patzak.
- And who are you? - I'm Georgian.
No, you are also a Patzak.
You are a Patzak, you are a Patzak, and he is a Patzak.
And I am a Chatlanian, and they are Chatlanians.
So, put on your tzak, and stay in the Pepelatz! Got it?
Oh, yeah?
My friend, look at me. How does the 'Visator'respond?
Do you see the light? What color? Green, isn't it?
Now look at him. It's green. And the same with you... green.
Now look at Uef. What color? Orange, isn't it?
That's because he is a Chatlanian. Do you read me?
- What? - Pluke is a Chatlanian planet.
So, we Patzaks, must wear tzaks.
Yes! And before us, Chatlanians, you have to do like this!
Vladimir Nikolaevich, this is outrageous racism!
- Please, would you show it again? - Like this!
- A bit slower, would you? Please. - Like... this...
Vladimir Nikolaevich...
Back home you have a wife, a son with problems at school,
overdue mortgage payment.
Yet, here you are... playing the fool.
There can be a sad ending, my dear.
Take it.
- OK, Fiddler, we'll play their game. - That's a boy!
Now, give a match to Uef. He'll buy a gravitzapa.
- But he said he needed them all. - I was joking.
Heh... You guys are so funny!
- Koo! - Wait! Koo. We'll go together.
Don't show them any of your ketze. Don't even think about them.
Just show them my ketze.
And don't give'em more than half a match. It's a fair price for a gravitzapa.
Your Patzak said it costs a whole match.
Shhh! He was joking too.
Cement series 300, isn't it?
- Patzak! Remember... half or less. - All right.
Excuse me, but what is "Chatlanian" or "Patzak"? Ethnicity?
No.
- A biological factor? - No.
- People from different planets? - No.
So, in what way are they different?
Fiddler, are you color-blind or what? Can't you tell green from orange? Tourist!
Hey! A skyscraper!
Come on, let's go.
Koo! Do as I taught you.
Hi, missy.
Must be chilly in that fur coat?
They won't let me in. They want you alone.
Don't give them the ketze. Bring the gravitzapa here. I'll check it.
Go!
Not allowed!
- We're together. - Not allowed!
Vladimir Nikolaevich, tell him!
It's all right. Wait here.
Just don't go anywhere.
Hi.
How's life?
To squat, you say?
Well, out of respect for the ladies present.
Well? What's new on Pluke?
Put a ketze here and you'll get a gravitzapa.
- Only a half. - A half.
- Can I have a look? - Sure.
Actually I'm not an expert in these gravitzapas.
Let's show it to my Chatlanian. He'll check it.
Just a minute... to set up a 'tzapa'.
A sore throat?
Water.
I have a proposition.
I'll give you the rest of this ketze for 2 bottles of water. A deal?
A deal.
Do you have food?
Porridge.
What kind?
Plastic.
Look. I'll give you this whole ketze
for 5 bottles of water and a kilo of porridge.
- What's this? - Ketze.
- We'll have to make a checkup again. - As you wish.
Hey, hang on a sec!
Just wait.
Fiddler, how about you? Can you get matches on Earth?
Yes, I can.
If you can spit further than me, I'll give you half a 'chatle'.
If I can spit further, then over there, on Earth, you'll owe me 2 matches.
- Understood? - No way.
It's a simple game. I bet half a chatle. You bet 3 matches.
- Here, kid. Spit. - No, thank you.
Well, OK. You bet one match. I bet 3 chatles and yellow pants.
And I'll give you a head-start like this. Come on.
- No. - Blue pants!
Mr. Uef, I'm not gonna do it under any circumstances.
Is that your final answer?
Then stop fooling me around, "Maimuna verishvilla"! [Monkey, son of an ass]
Mr. Uef! I represent a civilized planet and demand that you mind your vocabulary!
That's that!
Where are they?
- Who? - That one, with a scar.
I'm a moron. I gave him all the matches.
Guys, stop it. That's enough.
Enough? Enough of what?
I told him a thousand times that we should fly to the Center.
But he is greedy... like all Chatlanians. "Two chatles cheaper..." Ku!
Well, I have one left.
As far as I understand, it's enough for a gravitzapa, ain't it?
Give it to me, please.
- What for? - To buy a gravitzapa.
- Where? - There, in the Center.
And how are you going to get us to Mother Earth,
if you don't even know in what galaxy it is spinning?
We can get your planet number, you moron,
in any planetarium in the Center for 2 chatles!
Give me the match, okay?
So that you could 'cover us up' with sand?
- It means you won't give it? - No.
- Is that your final answer? - As final as can be.
Farewell then, my dear friend.
They will fly away, Vladimir Nikolaevich
No, they won't. They can sell their own mother for a couple of matches.
Either you give us the match now,
or we won't put you on Earth for less than 7 matchboxes!
Two thousand.
Three.
- Two and three hundred. - Three.
Two thousand five hundred. I can't give more.
Yes, you can, my friend.
Mr. Be,
I have 50 roubles.
Matches cost 2 kopeks per box.
So, I can buy 2500 matchboxes.
Fiddler is just telling the tale! He's got more chatles.
Mr Uef, stop calling me "Fiddler". Address me as Gedevan Alexandrovich.
Is it the engine there?
Stop poking your nose into every hole, 'Gedevan Alexandrovich'.
Gedevan, how about we tie these two scoundrels up and set a course north?
What for?
Maybe, there's the Mediterranean Sea swashing and splashing over there.
Heh... Vladimir Nikolaevich, are you nuts, my friend?
A sea? on Pluke?
All seas have been used up long ago to make 'luts'.
Excuse me, to make what?
Fuel, Fiddler. Fuel.
Here. That would be 6140 matchboxes.
How come it's so many already?
You stuff your faces with porridge. You drink water. Plus the "Widget".
Cross the "Widget" out, we are not into widgets. Put it back.
Let's take it. We need to bring a sample of technology, or no-one will believe us.
Then give them the violin, if you like the Widget so much.
It's an Italian antique violin, worth a thousand roubles, if not more.
How will I ever pay for it?
Fiddler! Instead of thinking that you are "the first Georgian cosmonaut"
and that you "will get a Nobel prize",
return the spoon you stole from the poor guys like us.
I wasn't thinking any of that.
I wanted to donate it to the Institute of non-ferrous metals.
Maybe, it's something new.
Heaven! Heaven knows, Fiddler, you are a disgrace for all Patzaks.
I am very deeply saddened.
- Where are you going? - To the toilet.
You can't take money to the toilet.
Leave the money here, 'Gedevan Alexandrovich'.
- Ketze, my dear fellow, is very expensive. - Why?
Well, over there, on Earth, how do you know
how many times who has to squat and before whom?
We go by instinct!
Barbarians!
Look,
I've come to like you. So, I'll teach you.
If I have 'a little' ketze,
I have a right to wear yellow pants.
And Patzaks have to squat before me not just once but twice.
If I have 'a lot' of ketze,
I have a right to wear pink pants
and not only do Patzaks have to squat before me twice
but Chatlanians have to koo as well!
And Etsilops cannot beat me up at night! Ever!
Um... I have a proposition.
You, my dear fellow, give us the match now,
and later we will bring you yellow pants. A deal?
Thanks, I already have a pair. Maybe, Fiddler needs some?
Fiddler! The aliens are peddling some pants here.
Yellow. Do you need any?
There is no Fiddler, my friend.
- Come again? - I have baled him out.
Don't worry, Vladimir Nikolaevich We have another catapult. A new one.
That one was broken anyway.
I didn't get it...
I pressed the 'kappa'. He flew away.
Fiddler isn't needed. He was a waste of fuel.
Turn back!
We can't.
We're out of luts. We have to fly to the luts station.
Turn back! Or I'll burn this frickin' ketze right here!
Gedevan!
Fiddler!
- He couldn't just disappear! - I told you... he got busted by Etsilops.
- Now let's fly, my friend. - I could just kill you!
Call the Etsilops on the radio!
We have no radio. We threw it away.
I'll come and check it!
Etsilop!
Put on your tzak, quickly!
- Put on a tzak! - Don't hold your breath.
Put it on! or he'll 'tranklukate' both you and the match!
How do you do?
Look, friend, we lost a guy around here. Did you see him?
What?
Oh, sorry. I forgot.
So, did you pick him up?
I told you, Fiddler isn't needed. I told you!
How are we supposed to buy luts now? How?!
- You, my dear fellow, are a pest! - He is even worse. He's just a ku!
I have a proposition.
We find Fiddler,
and then we go to the local government.
Bring me some sand, please.
We'll tell them who we are and where we are from.
They will give us a gravitzapa, and we will...
organize a mutually beneficial trade.
You will send us yellow pants,
and we will send you ketze as much as you want.
To fly to the government we need a gravitzapa!
The government is on another planet, my dear friend.
Uncle Vova! I'm here! Here!
- Fiddler! - What?
Where is my... whatchamacallit?
- Tzak? - Yeah.
- I've got it. - Well, give it to me.
- But what for? - Just give it to me.
But there is nobody around.
- That one is mine. - So, keep it handy!
- Are you asleep? - No.
Don't lose heart, Fiddler.
If there is a gravitzapa on this Pluke, we'll get it.
We've managed to get even more rare things!
Quiet!
Hey! Stop!
Hey, would you give us a ride to the Center?
- Patzak! Stop there! - What?
Don't come any closer.
- What do you want? - Give us a ride to the Center!
Three chatles.
We have no money, but we can work it off.
What can you do?
- Me? Anything! - Be specific.
Vladimir Nikolaevich is a builder! a foreman!
We'll build you a house!
And what can 'you' do?
Me?
He can play the violin!
Play!
- Play. - I can't!
Bye, Patzaks!
Hey! Missy! Wait! I can play!
Do play!
Here?
There!
Wait! I'll adjust the sound.
Play!
And Sing!
Okay, just a sec.
How does it go...?
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice. Winter's coming with the frost and ice.
Wow 1
What?
- I said 'Wow!' - Heh... People like it.
- What? - People like it!
No.
- I could drum. - How's that?
Foreman!
Fiddler isn't needed.
It's okay. He won't be a drag.
- Come on, give us some water, huh? - I said: 'after the performance'.
We might as well just take it...
by force. Then you'd have to beg us.
Oh really! You touch me, and an Etsilop will come and rip your legs off.
I don't care a damn about your Etsilop!
Easy there, Fiddler. Don't provoke the lady.
Foreman!
Watch!
Okay, I get it. I get it.
Look, do you have a friend with a gravitzapa and a Pepelatz?
What for?
If you could give us a ride to Earth, we'd give you each a box of matches.
I understand that no one believes in words here. Well, tell me what I am thinking.
That your wife must be calling the morgues now.
No. What am I thinking right now?
That you'll do it.
See? It's true!
Ha! What kind of fool would ever think the truth on Pluke!
"Absurd !"
And since you say what you don't think
and 'think' what you don't think,
you all sit in cages! And on the whole
all this bitter cataclysm that I observe here...
together with Vladimir Nikolaevich...
Patzaks are to perform in cages. So be it.
Stop showing off!
It's OK, darling. We'll be singing here, right next to it.
Get in. He spotted us. You'll get us all tranklukated.
- We are not animals. - What?!
- Now you'll get in! Get in! - Let go! Stop it!
Get in now, or he'll melt us down!
Well, if you insist... Fiddler, let's get in.
Go ahead.
One, two, three...
- Dance! - Dance!
You know what? Go find some other band! Dude!
What?!?!
I'll be back. Stay put!
We must get out of here.
Boys, give the cart a push. It's uphill.
'This' we'll do with pleasure.
Rev it up!
Bye-bye! Jerks!
I will tell everyone...
where the planet is going under this clown PG!
Patzaks have no frinkin' respect for Chatlanians!
Ku!
Well? Is everything in there?
She stole my cologne.
Women.
Let me... What do you have in there? Bricks?
I'll carry it, Uncle Vova.
I don't even know which way to look...
Where is Earth?
Galina Borisovna! Me and comrade Mashkov, being Patzaks,
could earn only 2 chatles for a show. And that's at best.
Water, luts, and fines to the Etsilops cost a chatle a day... at least.
And a gravitzapa is worth half a ketze! That's 2200 chatles.
Divide by 365. Minus weekends. Equals 6.
I simply couldn't get back in less than 6 years.
Very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich, but I only have your word for it.
Do you have any proof that you indeed returned from Space?
Maybe, you simply sold the violin, as Maestro Ragosin assume,
and then spent some quality time, out in the disco.
This is a mineral.
This is a chatle.
This is a tzak.
A metal nut and a sample of sand
are appended to the report I handed in to the Dean's secretary.
So they could forward it to the UNESCO.
- Where?! - UNESCO [United Nations].
You are a grown-up man, Gedevan Alexandrovich.
You studied here for a term, and then disappeared for years.
Now you show up
with a pebble,
a piece of Georgian ceramics
and a little bell.
And you expect us to...
And by the way, if you are so musical,
why weren't you in our student orchestra?
Excuse me, Fiddler, but this is elementary 'koo'!
END OF PART ONE
aj
PART TWO
CONCISE CHATLANIAN-PATZAK DICTIONARY
ketze - match(es) tzak - nose bell
etsikh - container for prisoners etsilop - law enforcement officer
pepelatz - spaceship gravitzapa - pepelatz engine component
ku - socially acceptable swearword koo - all other words
- Hi! - Hello.
Long time no see!
Bye !
Hey! Hang on a sec.
I have a proposition.
What? What?
What do we think about you? Come on!
Penetrate our brains.
Stop pestering us. What do you want?
- Don't you have conscience? - And "you"?
We're poor, miserable, hungry performers! Have we mistreated you?
Why do you keep harassing us?
Give me your widget for a sec.
Tune it up.
Good. Let's go for it.
One, two, three...
Mommy, mommy, what is to be done? Koo!
Mommy, mommy, winter is no fun.
I don't have a coat to get warm,
And no woollens for a snowstorm.
Shut up! You're tone-deaf.
Mommy, mommy, I cannot but grieve.
Mommy, mommy, how shall I live?
Uncle Vova, let's do it again!
- They love it! - They know a good thing...
One, two...
Etsilop!
Hey, performers! Where's our shipping cask?
- Pepelatz? - Yes.
Over there.
- We've run out of luts. - All because of you, pest!
Fiddler! Just what do you think you're doing! Vandal!
Listen, just leave me alone...
My dear fellow... This is a Last Breath, a grave,
a cemetery.
Checkmate!
- A 'semi-pro', you say? - He's just bragging.
That's not fair play! You are scanning my brains to win.
If you had brains, you'd be studying in the University instead of messing around here.
Let's play again. You bet the violin, its container, and the tooth-stick.
And this here.
A deal?
Well, okay! You bet the Widget, the Visator, and Mr. Uef's life-base.
- No objections. - Let's play.
Uncle Vova!
It's "tzapa" you need to turn. Tzapa!
- Here, you do it yourself! - Nothing doing. I am Chatlanian.
Get outta here!
When you need advice, a Chatlanian is around.
When you need work to be done...
- Fool's mate! - It's not fair play!
You deliberately didn't think my moves over well enough!
Then use your own brains to play.
How can he use his own brains, when he's never seen these figurines before.
- Not my problem. Give me my winnings. - No way.
Uef, have you ever seen such a little Patzak
to be such a mercantile ku?
Never. I said that Fiddler wasn't needed. Here's the result!
Hey! Chief!
And you said ' "tzapa"!
So, nobody sings in cages there, on Earth?
Mr. Be, on Earth only wild animals are kept in cages.
Are animals Chatlanians?
I don't know. It looks like that.
- Is Nightingale Patzak? - Why Patzak?
You said he sings without a cage.
- Well, Patzak then. - Ah! You see!
You've got the same outrageous racism. Just like us... here, on Pluke.
Only, the power belongs not to Chatlanians but to Patzaks...
like you and your friend Nightingale.
Let me do it.
Here, four gulps.
First... the young one.
That would be 6042 matchboxes. Fiddler, write it down.
I did.
Want some?
No.
For free.
What do you think you're doing? What about me?! me?! me?!
10 more matchboxes on me. Go pump some more water.
Kin-Dza-Dza!
- A boat! - It's not a boat.
- It's a luts station. - Let's refuel!
Not here!
It's automatic. The next one is operated by a woman.
We'll give a performance. She'll give us a discount. Got it?
Stop slacking, uncle Vova!
Let's move! Let's move! Come on!
If this used to be a sea, why aren't there any seashells?
Do you still have seas on Earth?
We have seas, rivers, and decent people, Mr. Uef.
Barbarians! I feel like crying!
Mommy, mommy, what is to be done?
Mommy, mommy, winter is no fun!
I don't have a coat to get warm
And no woollens for a snowstorm!
I wish my boss saw me now. I'd get a pay rise!
Hush, Uncle Vova! The lady is watching us.
They took the woman away, and put in a vending machine.
Buy as much as we can afford. We'll fly part of the way at least.
Luts is not sold in parts. It costs 10 chatles apiece. But we have only 7.
- How far is the Center? - 100 miles.
Uncle Vova, Uef has more chatles.
In his right boot.
Hey! Chatlanian!
What?
Take off your right boot.
What for?
C'mon! Koo! Koo!
- Koo-oo?! ' KU! A pest!
Squat!
Why? They aren't Etsilops, are they?
It's PG and his Patzak! If you don't squat...,
and they find it out... that's "etsikh" with nails for life!
- But who is he? - Shh!
- Oh! Was it a video? - Huh... Holography, my friend!
The violin!
Easy! Stand still! Freeze!
And you said "koo!"
It's not a blimp, you moron! It's the Last Breath of Mister PG.
Nonsense!
How could one man breathe out so much air while dying? Absurd!
Don't you fear Heaven? PG is alive, and I'm happy!
And I'm even happier!
There you go. Okay, climb inside.
- Plastic? - No.
Isn't there a conventional entrance to this mall?
For the conventional entrance, my dear, we'd have to pay in chatles.
- Come on, let's go. - Get lost!
Fiddler! Patzaks go there.
- What are they doing? - It's Mister PG's 4th Pump.
- I love PG very much. - I koo him even more!
Here they make water out of luts.
- What are they shouting? - They are selling.
- Selling what? - Everything.
Let's buy a gravitzapa!
Gravitzapa is in another department.
First we need to find out Tenture of Earth.
Yellow pants... double koo!
Think! The diameter of your planet's orbit.
I don't remember. Fiddler, take over.
No! Fiddler isn't needed. You do it!
Whatever.
Specific weight of your planet's core. Think!
Specific weight? No, I can't remember.
I see.
The names of other planets in your galaxy, as many as you know. Think!
Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Venus...
Hey! My image sensing crystal! Where's my image sensing crystal? Huh?!
Fiddler! Put it back!
I thought it was a trifle, just a piece of glass.
Shabby nitwit.
Enough. Stop rattling your brains. Moron!
Here is your planet: 013 in Tenture, just left of the Big Dipper.
If you wanna talk, that's a chatle extra.
- Come again? - Your phone number! Think!
And tell them about the matches.
Hello. Hello. Speaking.
Speak into this thing.
Hello! Hello, please, speak!
- Hello! - Speak! Time is running!
Hello! Lucy!
- Vovka?! - Can you hear me? It's me!
Vovka! Where are you?!
I'm here... How are you there? How's our son?
Where on Earth... Where are you, Vovka?!
Well, I am here, at some place. I will explain later.
Is Mom well? Have you visited her?
- Yes, I have. - And?!
I'm asking you: "Where are you?"
Listen, Patzak woman! Stop getting at him! Go buy 2 boxes of ketze!
- Or we'll find him a younger one. - Damn it!
Lucy! Lucy...
LUCY, my darling!
. - -
Lucy! Please, dial up Manokhin!
Tell him that the keys to the fitting shop are in my trailer,
under the locker, on the floor. Have you understood all?
Oh, yeah. I understood "all".
Please, dial Batumi 3-47-57 and ask for Alik.
No! Take a walk. Thief.
Is something wrong? Huh?
Everything's fine. Only Earth is very far away.
It'll take 7 minutes instead of 5 to warm up the engine.
So, let's go and prepare the tzapa for the gravitzapa.
Hey, astronauts! Which one is tzapa?
It is that one... the rusty nut, my dear friend.
Everything is rusty here!
That one is the rustiest
What the hell! Are you nuts?
Oh-oh! My-my!
Lucy and Manokhin have "teleported!" Big deal!
Uncle Vova!
The match was in the field cap!
Weird... Why would they leave?
Weird?! Now they have a match to buy a gravitzapa and they know Tenture of Earth!
Comrade Etsilop!
They stole from us!
Please, catch them!
Koo! Catch them!
40 chatles.
No chatles! The tour guide has got 'em all!
And the violin is also not theirs!
They didn't koo before the PG's image!
What are you staring at? What the hell are you staring at?
I will tell your bosses that you knew and took no action.
You'll be frickin' tranklukated! Got it?
I did take action!
I pressed the 'kappa' right away. Fiddler will confirm!
All units! There's a runaway. A cask with castor wheels. Koo!
- There's nothing in there. - Open it.
Let him see.
It's vinegar.
Mind your own business.
The Patzak will be tranklukated.
The Chatlanian will get etsikh for life, with nails.
Brothers! Brothers! My dear fellow Patzaks!
Tell them the truth! I was squatting!
It's this Chatlanian who was pressing the kappa.
- Shut up! - Uncle Vova!
- Shut up, parasite! - "You" shut up!
Vovka, my friend!
- Gedevan Alexandrovich! Confrere! - Don't listen to him!
Tell them it was him! He was the one who did not squat!
- And I will present you with the Pepelatz! - Uncle Vova, the Pepelatz is mine!
Calm down! Calm down...
Hang on a sec.
Nobody railed at anyone. Everybody squatted like chimps.
I got confused.
And it was me who brought the ketze here.
- What ketze? - The match you took out of the field cap.
There was no match! None!
Uncle Vova! My dear fellow! What's the matter with you?
Sorry, I forgot. There was no match.
None.
You both get "etsikh" for life, without nails, until the penalty is paid.
The penalty is 500 chatles. 250 chatles per head.
Thank you!
Patzak, fix the violin and sing your songs! Fiddler, tune up the Widget!
Guys, about the match... It was a joke! Just for fun!
Bye-bye!
Across the river, across the river, on the other river bank,
Koo! My Mary is... Uuuuh
Hello, Earthling!
"I am sure, one day you would reach this planet as well."
"Greetings from Vladimir Nikolaevich Mashkov, a builder from Moscow,"
"and Gedevan Alexidze from Batumi,"
"who were the first to set foot onto these wretched sands"
"in this god-forsaken corner of the Universe."
Brother Patzak, throw in some more "ruberoid". The pottage is too thin.
Then give me something else.
"Maybe by this time, some people who knew me are still alive."
"Please, tell them that I did not steal the violin."
Look! As good as new.
Here is a small piece left.
That happens... sometimes...
Rich in calories?
Earthlings! You really shouldn't have pressed the keys like that!
It wasn't easy to track you down. Thank God! The gadget has built-in memory.
Here's your socks. Thank you.
If you wish, I can teleport you back to Earth.
I found out your Tenture number.
But hurry up! One second here is half a year there.
Then I have a proposition. We rush to Earth now,
get some matches, come back here, sell them and buy our guys out.
Then we go to Moscow, and you go home.
I can't do that. The battery has charge only for 3 trips.
But that's perfect! Just enough to go there, here and back again.
And what about me?!
Well, friend...
Make up your minds. Yes or no? I'm counting to three. One...
- Wait. - Two...
Well, put yourself in my shoes. The guys are doing time because of me.
And my little son has a beard like this by now! Two and a half...
- Two and a half! - I... cannot do this.
Three.
Argh! Who needs all this stuff...
All these craps-tzaks, all this trash!
And where did you get this? Huh?
Ugh... In the planetarium. It was just lying around on a shelf.
Fiddler...
My little klepto... You snatched up a gravitzapa!
Patzaks! Patzaks!
How come you sing here standing? Standing is allowed only over there.
- An Etsilop didn't let us in there. - Here you can sing only on your knees.
Thanks, we are fine as we are.
Come on, you can spare some coins!
Well, well, well...
Now behave yourselves.
Strangers in the koo...
Uncle Vova!
There comes your coat with my fur cap on top.
Hi!
How's life?
What's new on Pluke?
Sing.
Well, we are in bad voice today.
Sing!
Vladimir Nikolaevich, ...
- I can't stand this any longer. - Easy now, Fiddler.
- What's this worth? - One hundred.
Okay... Looks like we have sung enough.
- And this one? - Fifty.
Etsilop!
Patzaks!
Why aren't you wearing muzzles?
Turn around!
New order from Mister PG.
Now all Patzaks must wear muzzles... and be happy!
Okay, "this" here is for me.
And "this" is for you.
And "this" one is for you.
Why aren't you happy? Did you hear me? Huh?
Raise your tranklukator, Chatlanian!
Aah!
- Put it on! - Yes, sir!
And be happy!
I am so happy!
Oh, look! PG is over here!
Where?
Get up!
Open your mouth!
Open wider!
Fiddler! Bring a gag!
Quickly!
[Swearing in Georgian]
Turn around!
And your nose!
Give us our money back!
Okay. Here, hold this. Like this.
Take this off!
And if you think it's not a tranklukator,
it will be the last frickin' thought in your dumb Chatlanian head!
Show us the shortest way to the Etsikh. Go!
Everybody down! Stay put for half an hour!
- Move! - Move!
Faster!
Excuse us, granny.
That was PG's Mother!
A video?
In the flesh!
Everybody! Get in the washtub! Now!
Open the door!
And stay put the whole day! Koo? or not koo?
Here it is.
- What number? - The latest.
Well, hello there.
Hey! Chatlanian!
- Sing! - Fiddler, stop it.
Roll out the the preceding one!
Get lost!
Hello, Gedevan Alexandrovich.
['Hello' in Georgian]
Climb out.
- We can't. - They'll catch us.
Stop!
We have a gravitzapa.
Ouch!
- Koo, Uncle Vova! - Koo, koo.
Cut it through.
Right here.
- Koo! - Push it out!
Uncle Vova! Please help me roll the etsikh out!
- Leave it! - Vladimir Nikolaevich!
Humankind worked for millenniums just to get one rock from the Moon!
And here we have a live alien and an etsikh...
made of unknown metal!
I said... leave it!
- Tzapa. - Yes, sir, tzapa.
- Tzapa! - Press the tzapa!
I did! I did!
- Are we flying already? - Starting it up...
Let's hurry up, guys! Before they come to their senses!
Don't get in the way!
- We've landed. - Landed where?
On Hanut.
What's "Hanut"?
- The planet where I was born. - Me too.
- It's night. - Now it's always night here.
- Put this on. - What for?
- There's no frickin' air here. - So, how do you live here?
Nobody has lived here for years.
Plukians tranklukated the planet while we were on tour.
Why?
- So that we didn't get them first. - Why did you want to get them?
So that they weren't hovering over us!
- And all perished? - Of course!
Vovka, I have a proposition.
- This planet now costs peanuts. - 63 chatles.
We sing 'Mommy' around the galaxy for a month...
and the planet is ours!
- Another month and we'll buy the air. - 93 chatles.
Everyone who has no air will rush straight here.
The air belongs to us.
They will crawl before us, and we will spit on them.
What for?
- To derive enjoyment! - How can anyone enjoy that?
Heh... He's just too young.
Half of the planet will be yours, the other half... ours. A deal?
This is very tempting.
But, guys, we need to go back to Earth.
Hurry up, the grocery closes in half an hour.
Vovka, relax.
Look!
We are here.
Earth is there.
- And this is Alpha. - On Alpha they turn us into cactuses.
Earth, my dear fellow, is in Anti-Tenture.
There is no way we can get there. You see?
How's that?
That's how it is. It's just my luck, really.
A Pepelatz cannot make it to Earth!
And stop blabbing! Okay?
Let's go! We have a planet to divide.
Did you learn about this in the planetarium?
Yes, my friend.
That's why you stole the match?
- Of course! - Uncle Vova, they are lying!
Don't believe them!
Take us to Earth, now!
No, Gedevan. They are not lying.
They'd crawl across the Universe on their stomachs for a chance to get some matches.
Vovka, it's a silly thing to do.
This air has only 2% oxygen.
Gedevan. ..
Don't do this, you are young. You should live!
Maybe, things will change.
Fiddler isn't needed, Uncle Vova.
Hey, Patzak!
You'll kick the bucket in a minute, so...
For once, tell the truth!
You could have let that guy teleport you. Why didn't you?
What did you want?
Pink pants? PG's swimming pool?
Tell us, what did you want?
Gedevan! Dear friend! You tell me.
You can trust me! We are two of a kind.
My mother is Georgian. Well, used to be...
[Both speaking in Georgian]
He says his mother used to be a local Georgian.
Uef! You do what you want...
but I will take them to Alpha! Koo!
- Ku! - And you, lousy Chatlanian...
put on a tzak! And squat when you speak to a Patzak!
Hanut, my dear fellow, is a Patzak planet!
Repeat it again.
You eject us onto Alpha while trying to slow down in Alpha's orbit.
- To slow down... My foot! - Don't interrupt!
Go on, my friend.
On Alpha, when they transport us back to Earth,
we must hold on to the bottom of the space-teleportation gadget.
In this way the gadget will be teleported with us.
On Earth we must buy you four bags full of matches.
Go on, my friend.
How many times do we have to go over it?
Let's fly, shall we?
Because of you, I will end up in a pot forever!
And you are too lazy to open your mouth one more time!
Guys! Brothers! My dear good friends!
Let's fly. Or, at least, close the door.
I can't stand the sight of you any longer.
I'm sick of it all.
So long, my friend.
We are flying!
Apply the brakes!
Brakes!
How am I supposed to apply the brakes when you've drunk all our brake fluid! Alkie!
It can poison him.
- Turn off your antlers. - They can't be turned off.
- Take them off then. - They might break.
I think we've landed. That's how it was the last time.
Okay...
Put on your gas mask.
- What about a tzak? - We can do without.
Earth!
Across the river, across the river, on the other river bank...
No.
This isn't Earth.
How do you do?
We are Patzaks from the planet Earth. Who are you?
This is planet Alpha.
Tell Decont here, your coordinates
and she will teleport you back to the starting point.
Have a nice day.
Please, tell me your planet number.
013 in Tenture.
It is here... approximately... Here it is.
- To the left of the Big Dipper. - This is unnecessary.
Could you, please, hold your hands.
- Miss, what did you do with... them? - They are in the 2nd Greenhouse now.
Could you, please, hold your hands.
- Do you really turn people into cactuses? - Only those from Pluke.
They are not from Pluke! They are from Hanut!
This is irrelevant.
Could you, please, put on your breathing apparatus.
- But why? You have beautiful air! - That is why.
- Heh...! Just look at her! - Easy there. Just put it on, Gedevan.
On behalf of our planet, please...
Let them go.
Well, who can make this decision?
Abradox can. But...
Well, take us to him!
Do it, or I'll take off the mask and begin breathing out!
You shouldn't worry.
Our greenhouses provide the best environment.
Blossoming, microclimate, peace and quiet!
Isn't it something to be desired?
Then, my clear, why are you frolicking around on the grass
instead of sitting in a pot?
Please, watch your step! You have just broken a green shoot again.
Friend!
- Can we ask you a favor? - No need to continue.
It's a 'no'.
Our proximity to the Kin-Dza-Dza galaxy...
is our misfortune. They are plagued by yearnings and desires.
Vile desires!
Transformation into a plant life-form...
is for their own good.
And for everyone else's!
Maybe we should bring them here and let them decide what is good for them?
Oh, if we gave that sort of beings an opportunity to decide about anything...
Miss, are you the smartest here!
Did somebody tell you that? Or did you figure it out on your own?
Let's not waste time.
You are creatures from Anti-Tenture.
That means I have an obligation to teleport you...
to the starting point of your journey.
Or, we can send you back in time...
to the moment when you could decide your own fate.
- The choice is yours. - Sorry, I don't get it. Back in time?
To the past. Back to Pluke.
Um... Can you send one of us to Earth and the other one to the past?
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
I won't let you go back to Pluke alone.
Okay, dude...
Back in time!
How long was I fixing the violin? 50 minutes or so?
About 50.
Brother Patzak...
A guy with socks will be here soon. Tell him to follow us to the Etsikh.
- Do you know where it is? - Sure.
- So, you will show him. - Pay me some more then.
Everybody have a rest for half an hour!
Thank you, brothers.
Carry on, boys. Carry on.
Fiddler! Hurry up!
You didn't go home! Again! You pest...
- Yes. Climb out! - Not for love or money!
It's better here than on Alpha.
Come on, pull them out.
We'll have a space-transportation gadget in a minute.
Vladimir Nikolaevich!
You owe us 11,000 boxes. Fiddler has it written down!
11,020.
I have a proposition. Vovka...
We get teleported together right into the grocery.
- We buy everything and then... - There will be no "then"
We all stay on Earth.
Forever?!
Forever.
Me, on the planet where they don't know who has to squat before whom? Nonsense!
- Give us the gravitzapa and that's it! - Uncle Uef, Uncle Be!
- You will be so welcome there! - No, comrade!
A society without the color differentiation of pants...
is a society without purpose! And without a purpose...
Guys, enough with the philosophy. He's going to appear soon.
Make up your minds. Are you going with us?
Just give us the gravitzapa. Okay?
Give it to them.
It's a pity!
So... We should say our farewells.
I kind of got used to you.
Me too.
Well... Take care!
Friends! Patzaks!
Here's your socks. Thank you.
And if you wish...
Friend! What's the type of your gadget?
Might I take a look?
A regular type.
Press the key... and you're back home.
Hi.
Hi. Anything new?
Pipes sprang a leak at the construction site.
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice. Winter's coming with the frost and ice.
You don't have a warm and pretty shawl. And no fur coat do I have at all.
- How's our "A-grade" student? - He's out with friends.
Vovka! Go buy some bread. I forgot.
Oh, and fetch some noodles too.
Comrade! How could I get to Old Arbat Street?
- Turn right over there. - Thank you.
Fiddler?
Uncle Vova?
Fiddler!
Uncle Vova!
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice...
The End